Apparently I'm boring because all I talk about is sleep. Even the ads on the side and the bottom of the blog are about sleep and insomnia and snoring. Who would have thought that one comment about a snoring cat would have created such an occurrence.
Just a warning for those that are underage or do not want to see foul language. There is one usage of a foul word later on. Excuse me.
Time for some rambling:
-Running on 2 hours of sleep
-Inspiration overload still is continuing
-Probably failed my Italian final
-The people I came to school today to see are not here.
-I'm really starting to wonder about my sanity and those of my relatives.
So, running on two hours of sleep for about three days is quite interesting. It's like I'm on a high, without all of the negative affects of doing drugs or alcohol: it's only shortening my life,just like the pollution I'm breathing in every second. Awesome.
Inspiration overload's still fueling my raging insomnia, and I know that a lot of other people deal with insomnia too, it's fin on occasion, but mostly it's very annoying and in some cases dangerous and hurtful. I feel like a shell of numbness with some minor places of feeling left. As you can prolly tell, my writing and cognitive ability's atrocious at the moment.
My grandmother just called me demanding to know what I want for christmas. She doesn't have a lot of money, and I have no clue what to ask for. Every year I go through this dilemma and still I haven't found a solution. I told her that I could always use some clothing, and pencils. I told her a couple of clothing stores that I would want a gift card from and that way she can decide how much to put on them, and mechanical pencils don't cost too much,since she wants me to be able to open up an actual gift when I see her.
I prolly failed my Italian final, but I can't bring myself to really care about it, despite the fact that I paid good money to fail a course that doesn't have anything to do with what I'll be doing with my life. My parents yelled at me last night that I'd better get an A on this test because they didn't see me studying. I'm paying for the classes, I'm 20 years old, and I am tired of them forcing their ideals and goals on me.I don't know if they've ever thought about it, but I have goals that I want to get accomplished in my life too.
The people I want to see at school aren't here. My ex,who I'm probably in love with, doesn't show up except on Thursdays. It's kind of sad that I'm in love with this guy. It's not the typical 'he broke up with me so I'm sad' deal, it's more along the lines of 'He doesn't have money to stay in the state,so he has to move at least ten states away when his mom is moving.' So here I am, hurting for weeks, when he doesn't even know if/when his mom is moving,and breaks up with me so we'll be friends... I've talked to some of my friends who are guys,and they tell me that he did it for himself, so that if he has to leave,it won't be as difficult for him. I don't know. I don't know.
And the whole sanity thing: that's a daily occurrence. I don't really care if I'm crazy, I just care about hurting those around me that I care about. I wouldn't want to do that.
I look around the cafeteria that I'm in, at the college, and I see a bunch of people that I am, in general, fond of. Then again, some are just creepers. I just got hugged and kissed on the cheek by a stubble-chinned friend of mine that I can't stand half of the time because I helped him study for a final and now he has confidence that he did really well on it. Good luck you you! I also look around, once again at this crowd in the cafeteria, and I see two friends of mine running out of the cafeteria to talk about some new development in some drama. Normally I'm right in the middle of said drama, helping out both sides,but right now I can't give a flying fuck. It's kind of like, I'm tired of helping everyone else out, I need to take a break to take care of myself for once.
~Till next time.
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Normally I'm right in the middle of said drama, helping out both sides,but right now I can't give a flying fuck. It's kind of like, I'm tired of helping everyone else out, I need to take a break to take care of myself for once.
ReplyDeleteEven when you do help people, it takes a toll on you. I know this from experience. When you make it all you do, it takes an even worse toll on you. The people you help can affect you in so many ways. Their mannerisms become yours, how they act becomes how you act, etc, and you don't even realize it. So it's good that you're taking a break from all that and focusing on yourself for once. But be careful when you do that; it's very easy to fall in the trap of becoming self-absorbed and self-centered. I also know that from experience.
And about your ex(keeping it anon for privacy's sake), I don't want to go as far as to say I know how you feel, but I do know where you're coming from (somewhat). I know that it's all you can probably think about, and that you want to distract yourself, but I think the best thing for you to do would be to move on. It's going to keep hurting if you don't. I know that sounds insensitive, but thinking about it, and dwelling on it all the time (even in music choice and however else you distract yourself, i.e. books, movies, etc), makes it worse. If nothing else, believe me on that.
You said you lost almost 30 pounds in the last month... do you think that this, and helping everyone out, and school could be a factor?
And also, if you're worried about your sanity, talk to someone. Trust me on that too, that helps (also, all these thoughts of your sanity and losing it could be because you haven't been sleeping very well for the past...month? Keep that in mind). Also, sometimes when you get into yourself(not self-centered, but self-...focused?) things seem to be worse then they really are. Talk to someone (anyone, preferably with someone you trust), they could help you sort it out.
This was a much longer comment than I wanted it to be... But it's basically a "know that I care comment", but these are things you need to know (and probably are starting to understand, if you haven't already) as well.
About the weight loss, it's been over a few months. And I know what the factors are, except for this third mystery factor that keeps alluding me. It might be an overactive thyroid for all I know.
ReplyDeleteAs for helping people, it's like a hobby, it's something that I enjoy doing and makes me feel good:warm and fuzzy is you will.(mostly)
As for taking time to help myself, well...I do what I can to keep it 'me' time. I am always there for my friends,but maybe not as much as I usually would be. If that makes any sense.
And as for the becoming self-centered and all, well, I'm already self-centered despite for my extreme caring for other people...it's like I care so much for people and somehow it all connects to everyone,including myself, but I still manage to disregard and ignore a key need that I have. When I say 'me' time, I mean that I'm going to 'replenish' that need till it won't be a problem for a while if I ignore it again (which I, in all honesty, will most likely do).
I've been talking to people too much, and their opinions have been swirling in my head. I need to take time and actually think about what I think instead of the masses.
And yes, I know all of them, but it is refreshing to hear another opinion. :3 And don't forget, there's always a third 'mystery' element in people. Experiences change people, even if they don't show it.
And as for the becoming self-centered and all, well, I'm already self-centered despite for my extreme caring for other people...
ReplyDeletelol I noticed. You can change that.
As for helping people, it's like a hobby, it's something that I enjoy doing and makes me feel good:warm and fuzzy is you will.(mostly)
I've been talking to people too much, and their opinions have been swirling in my head. I need to take time and actually think about what I think instead of the masses.
Just want to bring up a point. You enjoy doing it, but even what they say can affect you. Being there for people comes with that price. I know you like helping people, but I think you should step back and focus on yourself for a bit. It's hard to do that when you have everyone else's thoughts/opinions and drama floating around in your head, plus thinking about relationships. I dunno, I think it would just be a good idea to step back and do some growing, know what I mean?
When I say 'me' time, I mean that I'm going to 'replenish' that need till it won't be a problem for a while if I ignore it again (which I, in all honesty, will most likely do).
Could you be more vague? :/ But seriously, go into more detail with that, because you lost me.
And yes, experiences change people, even if they don't show it. But so do other people close to them. For the good, or the bad. And they might not realize it until later.
All in all, everything that you mention is situational. I've done the best that I thought I could do in each situation.
ReplyDeleteAnd being vague is one of the things that I'm good at.